Once we learn to recognise and identify negative thought patterns as they occur, we can start to step back from them. Not reality. You see when we are fused with our thoughts cognitive fusion we tend to take our thoughts very, very seriously.
We believe them. We buy into them and we obey them. We play them out. When we are not fused with our thoughts—when we can step back into cognitive defusion, then we do not take our thoughts too seriously.
We hold them lightly. We only listen to them if we find them valuable or helpful. We see our thoughts as simply bits of language that pass through the mind. Mental events if you will, that move through the mind all the time just like the weather passes through the sky. We have a choice in how we choose to respond to them. The example I like to use often to illustrate the difference between cognitive fusion and cognitive defusion is this…imagine waking up one day and looking out the window and seeing rain.
Now is it true that the day is dreadful? No, of course not, it is simply raining. In other words if you believe a thought like that, it can generate what we might call negativity.
Below I will teach you a simple and powerful tool to create cognitive defusion untangling from thoughts easily and quickly — but first of all, there is something that is important for you to know….
There is nothing wrong with you. We all have minds that have evolved to be constantly on the lookout for problems and dangers, so most of us have minds prone to have many negative thoughts.
The problem is not that we have negative thoughts. The problem comes when we believe our thoughts are true. When you are no longer entangled in thoughts they lose their grip on you and lose their power to generate unpleasant emotions.
As you can see, the ability to recognise unhelpful thinking and step back from it is incredibly liberating! It can change the quality of your whole day and indeed your whole life. It has mine. Worry is when the mind projects into an imagined future and conjures up scenes and thoughts about what could go wrong. Sometimes it takes the form of imagining or expecting that bad things will happen or that nothing good will ever happen for you.
You might fret about your health deteriorating, your relationship going downhill, your car breaking down or your career being ruined—even though nothing has actually happened yet. You might focus on the lack in your life and believe that nothing will ever get better for you. Stress related to your financial future, the welfare of your children or your partner leaving you fit into this category.
Do you have a harsh inner critic? Are you always trying to whip yourself into shape, mentally beating yourself up for not being good enough yet?
Are you on a perfection mission? You may be very harsh on yourself, focusing in on all of your weaknesses and perceived flaws. Likewise, you may extend this habit of criticism to others in your life. This can be the cause of tremendous strain on relationships. Negative self-talk and self-criticism often results in low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. One way some people cope with low self-esteem is to compensate for these feelings by attaining status, achievements and recognition.
Others may feel completely debilitated by feelings of unworthiness, becoming depressed or even suicidal. There is nothing wrong with having goals and aiming to get fitter or healthier and the like—we can simply choose to do those because they are good for us or we want to stretch and grow. When the mind continuously hones in on what is wrong with yourself and your life and disassociates from what is going well and is good, we can become stuck in negativity. Ruminating on mistakes made in the past often creates feelings of shame, guilt and negativity.
This is how we can learn, grow and mature as people. Negativity arises when you dwell on a situation repeatedly with no real intention to learn and grow—but instead you are self-beating or wishing things were different instead of being accepting of things as they are. Your attention becomes fixated on, and exaggerates the so called negative aspects of your life. Here your mind will often downplay what is going well. You allow the situation with the car to dominate your thinking and negative emotions arise as a result.
The truth is that the car has a problem. It is no longer running and needs to be taken to the mechanic. Ruminating continuously on the situation is not constructive at all and is another way we can get trapped in negativity. If you have this habit of lamenting over your sorrows and problems you may constantly feel frustrated, anxious, depressed and apathetic.
Looking out for and recognising these common negative thinking patterns when they arise will help you be aware of when to use the tools below to work with them skillfully and break free from their grip. People trapped in negative thinking often tell me they feel hopeless because they often wrestle or argue with the thoughts or push them away, but the research shows that trying to struggle with thoughts in these ways just amplifies them 1 as you may have noticed in your own life.
What you resist persists. So how do you move through life in a way that is practical, peaceful and authentic without getting stuck in negative thought patterns? Here is the first step. Daniel Siegel. Have it all totally together?! I get out of my head and into my life more on this in key two. As soon as you name the mental story or pattern, you have now stepped back from being caught up in it.
In other words you have initiated cognitive defusion. From a neuroscience perspective, when you name the thoughts you stop being hijacked by them from the negativity they create 2 because you bring the smartest part of your brain online the frontal cortex. The frontal cortex is reflective and helps you step back and get a greater perspective. When naming or labelling your thoughts or emotions, one important tip. Make sure when you mentally label, to do it in a soothing, kind tone of voice.
This is important as it helps you to settle and invite compassion and soothing into that moment instead of aggression or struggle. We are gently training it into new neural pathways of peace and ease. This brings feelings of calm and ease and comfort 3. Notice that many negative thoughts mostly flow from two directions.
The second is worrying about the future—fear of what may or may not happen for yourself, others or the planet. This may take the form of stress over whether or not you will achieve certain goals or anxiety about the security of your finances or relationships.
Or perhaps you may worry about getting old. Whatever your particular negative thoughts are, notice that in order to engage in negative thought patterns the mind needs to cast its focus mostly into past or future. When lost in negative thinking we tend to be so engrossed in thoughts that we completely lose touch with what is actually happening in the present moments of our lives. We miss the little pleasures of living each day. To do this simply redirect your attention out of the thoughts in your head and bring your focus to your sense perceptions.
Use your senses to their fullest. Be aware of the sounds, the scents, the sensation of the air on your skin or the contact points with the seat beneath you. Be there fully in the moment. This is a form of mindfulness practice more about this below. Research from Prof. Mark Williams from Oxford University showed that when difficulties arise in life many of us tend to get caught up in excessive unhelpful thinking. A more effective way to ease all that internal noise, Prof.
Williams teaches, is to pay attention to our direct sensory experience. Coming to our senses calms the mind and grounds us in the present moment. But we can use this awareness of our senses to ground and centre us in a greater awareness when when we find ourselves caught up in negative thinking. It is actually almost impossible to be both deeply present in the moment in our senses and keep the negativity going!
Try it out as an experiment and find out for yourself to see whether this is true. At the core of each one of us is a space that knows deep peace. As we grow up, we tend to get more and more drawn into the mind — our problems, our goals, our hopes, our fears and desires. We tend to get so busy, caught up and lose touch with this deeper sense of self…this pure unconditioned awareness. It becomes easy for us to get more drawn into negative thinking the more we lose touch with ourselves in this way and lose ourselves in the mind.
Imagine the ocean. Sometimes the surface waves can be tumultuous but the depths are unaffected, calm and peaceful. Our minds have the same nature. There is a perfect stillness in each of us. Just beneath our conditioning, thoughts and habits which can sometimes also be tumultuous, there is a quiet place inside and it is always available to us as a calm refuge. Mindfulness is the practice of waking up to that wellspring of wholeness and peace.
Through mindfulness we build our capacity to live from that deeper awareness and tame the mind. Regular mindfulness meditation has been shown to decrease stress, depression and anxiety as well as improving immune function. People who practice meditation report overall levels of satisfaction with life higher than others.
In fact, researcher and psychologist Matt Killingsworth found that what makes people most happy is being fully present in the moment and that the more our minds wander the more unhappy we become 5. There is so much power in this simple practice. By practicing daily mindfulness meditation you will gradually cultivate more awareness and be less caught up in your mind. I have provided a free meditation below that you can download and start practicing with but the best place to start is by the 7 Days of Mindfulness Course that you can take for free here.
This is a practice of untangling from thoughts over and over again, a habit which translates in the rest of your life too. It becomes a habit to notice and let go with ease. Each time you let go of the thought stream and come back into the present moment you tap into the stillness and wholeness at the heart of who you are. A sense of peace, lightness and joy arises more and more with each time you practice.
Each time you are kind and gentle with yourself when your mind wanders, instead of criticising yourself, you are strengthening your self-compassion for challenging moments in the rest of your daily life. You become more resilient to stress and cultivate a kinder mind. If you find yourself in this position there are some further tools you can use to untangle from your thoughts and change your focus.
These are called the helpful questions for unhelpful thoughts. These are drawn from ACT acceptance and commitment therapy. You can use some of these questions to mentally question negative thoughts and use others to change your focus. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you untangle from the thought. You ask them and then you can answer them in your head.
Usually you would just pick one of these at any given time. Then you can mentally ask these questions below to create new focus and new possibilities. These questions will help you focus on constructive thoughts and actions and help you effectively face your day-to-day challenges and move towards living a more meaningful life.
Again, you may only use of of these at a time but you could always try more than one too. They will also help you take constructive action and move towards living a more meaningful life. Constructive thinking allows you to be happy when things are going good, and puts problems in perspective when times get tough so you can stay calm and clear headed and deal with them in a practical efficient way.
True change takes time but I promise you with a bit of patience and practice these four keys have the capacity to truly change your world from the inside out. The more you practice these tools, the more they will become like second nature to you. I hope this blog is helpful to you. If you have any questions or need clarification of any point here please jot them down in the comments section below. A 4-Step Process and Free Meditation. Here is a meditation you can use for overcoming negative thinking that incorporates some of the keys above.
This is one of many meditations I have recorded for the Meditation Studio app my favourite meditation app — you can find more of their high quality meditations available here. Download Audio Now. Stay in the Moment. This is good work, keep it up. Thank you. Melli Thank-you very much you have helped me through a challenging time in my life. I appreciate the useful information and toolbox that I am putting into practice.
I am looking forward to learning more and developing a happier Me. Sincere appreciation, Janet. Dear Melli, I just want to thank you again for this resource. After completing the first two sessions of your seven day course I find it is already easier to recognize and deal with negative thoughts.
I had a job to do and you gave me the tools. Thank you! I am going to express Gratitude. I am grateful for this article. Thank you very much. I have bookmarked this page and I expect to be returning to it often. You are saving live here Melli!
Thank you again! Thank you, your article is straightforward and genuinely helpful These negative thought detangling patterns can accompany us throughout the day and ease the burden of long years of pointless struggle Best of luck!
It always helps me get back on track. This article was amazing! Well articulated, concise and provided valuable tips to be practiced immediately. For years I have struggled with depression, anxiety, laziness, and procrastination.
Especially, from the time period of — However, this has been a glimmer of hope, as this entire year I have been focused on defeating this self-defeating mindset. I am more confident that I can finish this year strong and enter with a more purpose-driven mindset.
This is the tool I desperately needed to practice having a calm mindset. What an absolutely fantastic article. Effective techniques summarised brilliantly. This is going to help me and many others. Keep up the great work! You have so constructively presented a hard to understand concept in a clear and concise way that seems attainable.
I have a degree in psychology, I have been to ministers, classes, Law of Attraction groups, and counselors and never get what I just got here. I thank you from the bottom of my soul for sharing this info without greed…. I think you saved my life today. I have two children, yet I have had suicidal thoughts due to hopelessness until this. Only wish I were in Australia to attend a reatreat!!!!!!!
Your name and tag strategy worked perfectly for me. Yesterday i got into a verbal fight, and it was continuously replaying in my head with all possible variations. I was feeling tense from inside. Letting go feels like chipping my masculinity but i knew that whole outcome is not at all worthy. Now i have given a funny name to whole set of thought. Surprisingly saying that funny term makes me smile and thus more calm. Thank you again for giving me such a useful tool for life.
Just wanted to say thanks so much for this article, Melli. I am really struggling mentally with anxiety and depression at the moment, but I have saved the link to this article and intend to re-read it at least weekly, to remind myself how to deal with the negative thoughts. As you mention above, I have found that, when an anxiety attack comes on, it is helpful to focus on my surroundings and the present moment; I make myself list things I can see, hear and feel, out loud if I can, and it does help calm me down.
Again, thanks for making your website and articles available to the public, I do find them helpful. I have no words to thank you. The way you have written all this has actually let my mind learn while reading only and every morning before waking up from sleep I use to feel bitter taste in heart and today morning I reminded my mind oh just a thought which I labelled and I felt calm….
I hope after proper practising it will yield full results… Thank you very much.. I just want to say, I read the whole article and practiced it for the past hour or so, and I experienced real freedom from my negative thoughts for the first time in a long time. I look at the window from my bed and everything is more pretty, beautiful even. Anyways I am overwhelmed with happiness and hopeful again, and I think you deserve a thank for that.
So thank you. I was up all night with the negative thoughts in my head. Then I read your article. It was up lifting and gave me hope. I will continue to read and practice the steps. Thank you!! I simply wished to thank you so much yet again. It actually was an absolute alarming setting in my circumstances, but discovering the specialized avenue you managed the issue took me to cry over happiness.
I am sure you have never got to know all of us. After reading each and every step, i could feel inner healing every moment, i thank you for all this, am going to practice this for good results, and i hope it will be more helpful, cos all along i have been a prisoner for negative thoughts, thanks again!!!
For as long as I remember negative thoughts have consumed all aspects of my life, I have just come across this as I was trying to find some answers,wow it opened up the possibility of having a peaceful life,I always fight my negative thoughts and all hell breaks loose up there, but the name and tame way of thinking truly has opened up a beautiful door,once I name what ever negative thought is there a little more space gets filled up with compassion, and compassion is followed by peace,then we all sit down and chat together,suddenly love joins in and before we know it there is a gathering of beautiful emotions,the negative is still there but slides a little further away each time,this is the first day of the rest of my life ,thankyou so much.
Thank you so much for sharing. Very point you wrote about our negative emotions is related to me. I have started to practice the techniques you mentioned to overcome this emotions. For years I have been in my head and struggling with some very negative thoughts about myself and depression and has been hard to stop these processes.
Reading this has opened up new ways of thinking for me and i hope to find some better more creative self awareness and peace of mind from all of my tangled destructive thought processing.
If we are not allowing our thoughts to be there, then diversion will not be an effective process, at least not from my experience. We have to go counter-intuitive and no longer wish to escape from them.
When we approach our negative thoughts and feelings this way, we can transcend them and therefore heal. If we view them as tools to make us feel better, then we will tie unrealistic expectations to them and create a tense and regimental experience every time we immerse ourselves in our hobbies. This is hugely counter-productive as it will just create more suffering. As a result of allowing ourselves to be with the thoughts and feelings and immersing ourselves in the things we enjoy doing, how could this not create a healing experience which brings us back to emotional wellness?
Thank you so much for your help, I honestly believe these will help me a lot! These techniques I am sure will help. Thank you so much! Thank you for sharing. My mind can be like a tennis match in a beehive sometimes. I look forward to trying to apply some of these techniques, primarily Name it to Tame it, and growing my awareness of things like low self-esteem.
After 40 years in therapy my first glimpses of happiness are here! I asked for a simpler way to be kind to myself than what I was instructed to do in therapy and then the 4 keys found me!! How can I help someone that has negative thoughts about her brother Relating to how he has changed since he met his wife without sounding like I am not caring about her feelings.
I want to really appreciate the writer,ve been battling with negative taughts and wandering mind,but as soon as I read through,am now understanding myself better. Thanks so much. Looking forward to more helpful tips on overcoming negative thoughts. Great job makes a lot of sense.
First of all I would like to say fantastic blog! I was curious to find out how you center yourself and clear your head before writing. I have had a tough time clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out.
I truly do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any recommendations or hints? Appreciate it! Hello i just think things that are not even logical. Take a step back and assess the situation again. We are often extremely hard on ourselves.
Our self-talk is harsh, negative, and sometimes abusive. Then, practice using this more compassionate self-talk with yourself. Find a friend or someone you trust to help you challenge your assumptions and distortions. The right questions can help you shift your perspective from black or white to shades of grey!
Creating some flexibility in your thinking can help you lower your stress, feel less anxious and shift away from depression. Challenging your cognitive distortions does take practice and patience, but I guarantee that your life will become so much better as you take control of your thoughts instead of allowing them to control you.
The Family Centre has the support and help you need to start on this journey. A mental health therapist can guide you along to change your thinking. Overcoming Anxiety class. Living with Depression class. Journey to Self-Discovery class. Men and Anger class. Women and Anger class. Joan Ridsdel is the founder and creator of W. R Woman Coaching and Personal Development.
Joan offers and small group coaching sessions. Look to eliminate negative influences and stop watching morning news! Woody Woodward , HCI. When you wake up, open your eyes and feel gratitude for the new day. Write down daily affirmations: "I love the people I work with," "I make positive contributions every day," or "I am open to inspired thoughts.
Positive thinking is a daily task, but worth it. Every morning for fifteen years, I've done a process I created called "Quantum Programming. You also set a few important goals to keep your momentum building toward your dreams. When you know what you want and are driving at it daily, negativity will fade.
Negative thought patterns can easily take over, but a fantastic and constructive trick is to identify what the negative thought pattern is and a project you're excited about. Then, consciously commit to this: Every time you find yourself focusing on the negative, refocus your thoughts for five minutes on your exciting project. I did this recently and a new initiative is now ahead of schedule!
Gratitude is underrated by most but is essential to a happy life. Life doesn't get easier, but we become stronger as we reframe difficulties by recognizing all of the little good things going on around us.
Keep a Good List and refer to it daily. Also, focus on what you really want and be very specific. A focused, positive mind will attract what it is seeking over time. As a registered yoga teacher RYT and a writing coach and author, I know that you can 't escape negative thoughts without physically disrupting them.
To get out of your head, get into your body. A few minutes of deliberate breath work seated 10 minute meditation or body movement like a yoga class can disrupt those thinking patterns. To get out of your head, move more. Feel more. This is a BETA experience. You may opt-out by clicking here.
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